I almost didn't go to the workshop.
"Nonviolent Communication" sounds like a soft skill - the kind of thing leadership consultants slip into Tuesday workshops to fill time. I was wrong about that.
Two days into the San Francisco workshop based on Marshall Rosenberg's NVC framework, I realized: this is the most underrated leadership tool I've ever encountered. Not because it's revolutionary, but because it's so simple that almost no one bothers to use it - and that gap is exactly where most team conflict, miscommunication, and burnout lives.
What NVC Actually Is
Marshall Rosenberg's framework has four steps. That's it.
- Observation - What actually happened, stripped of interpretation
- Feeling - What I feel about it
- Need - What underlying need is unmet (or met)
- Request - What I'm specifically asking for
Sounds basic. It's not - because most communication mashes these four together into one judgment-loaded statement.
The Problem With How Leaders Usually Communicate
Here's what a lot of leadership feedback sounds like:
"You're not committed to this project."
Now, watch what happens when you decompose that with NVC:
- Observation: Three of the last four sprint deadlines slipped without advance notice
- Feeling: I feel concerned and frustrated
- Need: I need predictability and early visibility into risks
- Request: Could you flag any risk to a deadline at least 48 hours in advance?
The first version is a character attack. The second is a solvable problem.
One creates defensiveness. The other creates change.
The Four Things Most Leaders Get Wrong
Mistake 1: Mixing observation with interpretation
Bad: "You're being defensive."
Good: "I noticed you crossed your arms and stopped contributing for the last 10 minutes."
The first is your interpretation. The second is what actually happened. Only the second is debatable - which makes it useful.
Mistake 2: Naming "thoughts" as "feelings"
"I feel like you don't care" isn't a feeling - it's a thought disguised as one. Real feelings are: frustrated, anxious, disappointed, energized, relieved. The test: if you can replace "I feel" with "I think," it wasn't a feeling.
This matters because feelings are universal - thoughts are arguable. When you name a real feeling, the conversation shifts immediately.
Mistake 3: Asking for compliance, not connection
Most "requests" are actually demands. The test: could the other person say no without consequence?
- "Can you have this done by Friday?" - might be a demand
- "What would it take to have this by Friday, and what's blocking that?" - is a request
Mistake 4: Not naming the underlying need
This is the hardest part of NVC and the most powerful. Behind every frustration is an unmet need.
"I'm frustrated with the meeting culture" - what's the unmet need? Predictability? Focus time? Trust that decisions will stick?
When leaders name the need, the team can solve for the need, not for the symptom. Symptoms are infinite. Needs are limited.
How I Use NVC in Consulting
Every organizational engagement involves conflict diagnosis - between teams, between leadership and ICs, between competing priorities. NVC has changed how I do that work in three specific ways:
1. Interview format
When I assess an organization, I ask people about observations first ("Walk me through what happened in the last sprint"), then feelings ("How did that land?"), then needs ("What did you need that wasn't there?"), then requests ("If you could change one thing, what?").
This sequence tends to surface real issues faster than asking "what's broken?" - because people start with observations they've actually witnessed, not interpretations they've manufactured.
2. Conflict mapping
When two teams are stuck, I map the conflict in NVC terms. Often what looks like a strategy disagreement is actually two unmet needs colliding - speed vs. quality, autonomy vs. coordination, recognition vs. fairness. Strategy can't resolve a needs conflict. Only naming the needs can.
3. Feedback loops
I help leaders give feedback in NVC format. People tend to feel seen - not just managed - and to adjust their behavior because they understand what's needed and why.
The Single Sentence That Changes Conversations
Rosenberg's most quoted idea, in paraphrase: criticism, judgment, and expressions of anger are tragic expressions of unmet needs (the exact wording varies across sources).
Apply that filter to your last 10 frustrations - with colleagues, clients, family. Each one points to a need that wasn't met. Anger about the missed deadline → need for predictability. Frustration with the meeting → need for respect for your time. Conflict about strategy → need for autonomy or alignment.
When you locate the need, the conversation transforms. You're no longer attacking a behavior - you're asking for what you need.
Where NVC Falls Short (Honest Assessment)
NVC isn't perfect:
- It can sound mechanical. Following the four-step format too literally feels stilted. The point is to internalize the thinking, not recite the script.
- It assumes good faith. NVC works when both parties want resolution. If someone's actively malicious, NVC won't fix that - it'll just clarify it faster.
- It's slow at first. NVC takes time to use deliberately. In urgent moments, you'll default back to old patterns. That's normal.
- It can feel passive. Some leaders worry NVC will make them seem weak. The opposite is true - specificity reads as competence. Vague communication reads as confused.
How to Start Using NVC This Week
- Pick one upcoming difficult conversation. Performance feedback, conflict resolution, change announcement.
- Write it out in NVC format before the conversation:
- Observation: What I literally observed
- Feeling: How that landed for me
- Need: What I needed that was/wasn't there
- Request: What I'm specifically asking
- Have the conversation. Don't recite the structure - just let it shape what you say.
- Notice the difference. The other person won't know you used a framework. They'll just feel the conversation went better.
Do this 3-5 times and the framework starts to internalize. After a month, you'll catch yourself thinking in NVC structure automatically.
NVC isn't really about communication. It's about thinking clearly under pressure. The four-step framework forces precision in moments where most people get vague. Vague communication is a common source of organizational conflict. Fix the precision, and there is less to argue about.
Why I Bring This to Coaching Clients
The leaders I work with aren't bad communicators. They're smart, empathetic, well-intentioned. But under pressure - with stakeholders escalating, board pressure rising, team conflicts brewing - they default to vague, judgment-loaded communication that makes everything worse.
NVC gives them a structure to think clearly when emotions are high. It's a tool for the moments that matter most - feedback conversations, performance issues, change rollouts, conflict resolution.
I don't teach NVC as theory. I teach it as a practical framework that compounds over time. The aim is practical: clearer conversations, conflicts named earlier, and less emotional energy spent on people-management.
Want to Apply NVC to Your Leadership?
One-to-one decision-making coaching runs on Coaching by May, my coaching practice for individuals.
Learn About CoachingFrequently Asked Questions
Is NVC just for personal relationships?
No - it applies well in professional contexts. The structure forces precision that's harder to maintain in emotional personal conversations.
Does NVC make leaders seem weak?
The opposite. Specificity, ownership of feelings, and clear requests are signs of competence. Vague directives and judgment-loaded statements are signs of a leader who hasn't done the thinking work.
Can NVC work with difficult people?
NVC works when at least one person uses it consistently. You can't force someone else to use it - but using it yourself can shift how the other person responds.
What's the best NVC resource for leaders?
Start with Marshall Rosenberg's book "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life." Then "Words That Work in Business" by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles. Both are practical, not academic.
Sources
- Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press. Source of the four-part model (observations, feelings, needs, requests).
- Lasater, Ike, with Julie Stiles. Words That Work In Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace. PuddleDancer Press.
- Center for Nonviolent Communication, "Six million copies sold", 9 December 2022. Book sales figure, verified with the publisher.
- Center for Nonviolent Communication, Founder of our organization, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Biography: 1934-2015, founded the Center in 1984.
- Author's own workshop notes and consulting practice: the workshop account, the sequence of interview questions, and the interview and conflict-mapping practices described above are first-person experience, not research findings.
About the author: May Mor is a developer, product manager, and organizational consultant with an M.Sc in AI and 10+ years in tech and product leadership across fintech, digital banking, and adtech. She runs Scale with May: interim and fractional product and program management for tech companies, and operational due diligence for investors.